Behind these hazel eyes...

I recollect as a young kid being told I had Chinese eyes because my eyes were almost closed anytime I smiled and I was always smiling. I remember being playful and fun loving.
I'm all grown up now. The smiles have disappeared. My face is set in a permanent frown. What happened? Where did the smiles go?
I imagine myself in space looking at the six billion people on earth and I see smiling faces with issues worse than anything I have faced and I ask myself what reason do I have not to smile. I feign a smile as I write but I feel like a fraud.
And now I understand why. I have unfortunately made my source of happiness external instead of internal. I've chosen to derive my joy from the gifts and pleasures the world brings my way rather than from being who I am. The absence of these pleasures and gifts gives me no reason to smile. I'll learn to wake up each day and appreciate the little things around me that I've taken for granted. I will learn to appreciate myself as I am. May these give me a cause to smile

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

It was a beautiful dream. A dream that saw me and her together. A dream where she became my everything. It was a dream with a happy ending, a dream whose time was definitely going to come in my dreams. It was a dream that was satisfying to dwell upon. It was just a dream. It had nothing to do with reality.

Reality was she was committed to someone else. Reality was to her I could not be more than a friend. Reality was I had a whole lot in front of me that she could not just be a priority for me in the next 1 year.

I've resigned myself to studying as hard as I can so that even if my dream of her never comes true, the one that sees me being on top will.

I did something today that I have been putting off for a while, i went through my blog. Some of what I saw got me wondering what was going through my head when I wrote it. I came to 2005 and I saw some poems and posts about one of the few girls in this world I cherish and I was saddened because even though I still cherish her in my heart, we've grown apart. I began to ask myself, like that famous The Fray song; How to save a life, where did I go wrong? Was our separation inevitable or could I have done something to keep the fire of friendship still burning? Is it expected that the feelings we have for friends change with time? I cannot confidently say I know the answers to these questions but these words that I saw in one of my posts about her still rings true to me;

We cannot be together,

But we'll never be apart,

For no matter what life brings us,

You're always in my heart.

God bless and keep her wherever she is.

It’s like we are all under a spell running after different things we sometimes sum up as fulfillment only to die. Warren Buffet, the world’s richest man, will be dead soon – his wealth goes nowhere with him. Even if he gives the bulk of his wealth to charity, the beneficiaries will eventually die. Life to me is a futile attempt to have what you cannot keep. Why do we bother to do anything if it will all be taken from us? Why do we hurt others to gain only to lose by dying? Why do we hope for a better tomorrow when tomorrow we will be dead? If our hope is for our children, they will be dead too someday. I have thought for sometime what is it that matters most in life and I have come to no conclusion. The nearest I came to was love and even acts of love will eventually be forgotten yet love still remains the best thing to invest our lives in. 2 days ago, I stumbled on a story about a young US soldier that was being awarded a posthumous medal of honor for giving his life for his friends. I try to imagine what went through that young man’s heart as he flung himself on the grenade putting an end to all his hopes and dreams and giving his other colleague the opportunity to keep hoping and dreaming. Isn’t that love? Even when the ultimate form of love is displayed, there is still a futility in life. Only one life we’ve got it will soon be past!!! It’s tragic then I believe that most of us live our lives chasing wealth and fame that has no eternal value. No one deserves to suffer on this short journey called life and I feel our lives will be better spent if we try to make this journey pleasant for as many as possible.

Something which I do not know crossed my mind and I just felt like writing on if tomorrow never comes. I did a Google search on the topic cos it sounded familiar to me and I came up with this song by Ronan Keatin originally performed by Garth Brooks titled if tomorrow never comes. The message that came to my heart are in the lyrics of this song although there's no she yet...the "she" for me means all those I love.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
If my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes.
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one
If my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

In line with my objective to make year 22 a year when the giant within me shall awake and take giant strides, I've began to take steps that I should have taken long ago but stalled. One of them is Cisco Certified Networking Administrator (CCNA) which is one of the four certifications I intend to obtain within the next one year. I've begun studying for it over the past week and something unfortunate just happened. The Power Holding Company of Nigeria who have not given me electricity in days decided to provide electricity when I was sleeping. They provided an extremely high current that destroyed my bulbs and the most unfortunate for me, my laptop charger (I hope the laptop board has not been affected). I had left my laptop charging before I switched off the generator and did not bother to unplug it. This ruined my reading plans for the CCNA and to make matters worse, I'm broke so I cannot get a new charger soon. I decided to take a gamble and I'm hoping it pays off - I dropped the charger with a local electronics guy and he claims he could fix it for a fraction of the cost to get a new one. I hope he does and hope he does not fix it in a way that will shorten the life span of the laptop board.

As I was taking a walk to drop off the charger, I met the brother of friend who died sometime ago and this got me thinking on the walk. She was such a nice girl and we just lost contact for a while because she was always so busy and then I heard of her death. As I write this, I'm picturing her face with a sad heart and her unique voice is ringing in my head. I came to the conclusion as I took the walk down that death could come at anytime and I had to make the most of life. And the question popped out in my head that how do I make the most of life? Is it by giving myself to pleasures and enjoyments? I could not really answer these questions because I don't think I've really enjoyed life based on my assessment and the assessment of my friends. I don't really go out, I've been single as long as I can remember... The word's that John Piper learned as a kid came into my head as I took that walk and it goes, "Only one life, it will soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." I asked myself again how have I lived for Christ. I came to the final conclusion that I'm doing myself a great disservice by not experiencing the beauty of life as well as not living for Christ. I hope in year 22 this gets to change.

I've been faced with doubt and sometimes faith seems to be non existent - feeling hopeless. I do ask myself what I believe about God and sometimes my answers do not sound as confident as I will like them to sound. I do remember a word by Dr Jim Berg of Bob Jones University, USA, that a person acts consistently with what he believes to be true about God. I've decided to make a written statement of my beliefs to reinforce within what I believe.

I believe in God and I believe He has a plan for everyone. I believe in the trinity, God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit and these three are one. I believe Jesus is God who came in the flesh to earth thousands of years back and laid down his life for my sins. I believe I'm saved not because the Roman soldiers beat up Jesus or because of the nails that pierced His hands but because He bore my sins and was crushed by God for my sake. I believe the full price of my sins has been paid in Christ. I believe in justification. I believe in salvation as a free gift from God offered to all men that they may be saved. I believe that salvation is a work of God and He that started a good work will complete it - I do not believe a truly saved person can lose his salvation. I believe in the existence of the devil and demons and I believe they have no power over me except that which I give them. I believe sin ruins our relationship with God and every truly saved person will kill and be killing the sin in his life.

My beliefs have mostly being formed by listening to men of God like Pastor John Piper and Paul Washer explain the word of God. I believe in a lot of things but I'm finding it difficult to put them into words. I might add more with time.

I do remember the first day of every year in my church, the pastor spends an hour or so giving his prophetic outlook for that year; they fairly turn out true. This is the second day for me on my 22nd year on earth and I am going to give a prophetic outlook for my life for year 22:

This is a year of outstanding achievements when I will experience favor from left, right and the center.

I will obtain that job that will propel my career

It's a year when strangers shall applaud my success and friends will be proud to be associated with me

It's a year when I will develop that idea that will transform my life and that of many

A year where my courage will outshine my fears and my confidence will shine forth

It's a year of victory - victory professionally, spiritually, financially, academically and socially

It's a year when I will get what I desire and desire what I get

It's a year when I will be immune to the economic downturn around me

A year when my broken wings shall heal and I shall fly to the highest top

A year of excellence, courage, determination and victory

A year when I won't back down, refuse no for an answer and get the best I deserve

I'm certain to face a lot of challenges this year but if there is anything I'm sure of, it is this - I will overcome any challenge boldly and not suffer it to frighten me.

It is also customary in my church on the first day of each year to have a watchword for that year. This is my own watchword for year 22; A year when the giant within me shall awake and take giant strides.

...Someone say amen to these

What's the big deal in saying I love you? I don't think those 3 words together have ever slipped out of my mouth before to anyone. I admit I have typed it over messenger but I have never looked someone in the face and declare my love including to my mum. I have this feeling it will never come out right the first time I will ever say it; I will be looked at as faking it and being insincere even if I probably mean it. What's so special in saying I love you? I'm of the opinion that it is part of the African nature to be unable to declare love no matter how innocent to anyone. I cannot recollect ever seeing a Nigerian mum or dad tell her kid I love you or even a Nigerian kid saying I love you to her mum or dad - for a kid raised in Nigeria (I've actually seen a Nigerian kid say I love you to her mum but that was in UK). This eventually spills over to our adulthood and we find it so difficult to express our love for the people that matters most to us. I sometimes feel like hugging some of my friends and just telling them how much I do love them or my mum or sisters but I'm sure to feel awkward and even the people I'm declaring my love to will wonder is this guy nuts? I cannot blame the Nigerian culture for my inability or my perceived inability to say I love you cos I can say it. I need to say it to someone, I want to say it to someone.

....A simple I love you means more than money....
~ by Frank Sinatra ~

This is quite unlike what I am used to writing. Some days back, I was having a discussion with a friend and I made the statement that I will be honest and faithful to any girl I date because I expect to date one who is honest and faithful. I was surprised to be laughed at and called naive. For the next 20 minutes he lectured me on why I was wrong. He said I had a mind set that made girls angels when none of them is. He told me it's a common thing for a girl to double date and girls are horrible liars. It was better if I looked at girls as unfaithful and dishonest and be lucky to find one that does not fit that description rather than intentionally set myself up for disappointment by looking for an angel in a world of demons. I ponder the wisdom in these statements and I have come to some conclusions. I'm not an angel I'm sure, I'm as bad as everyone else but I believe the main ingredients of a relationship are honesty, trust and faithfulness. If these are lacking, then what's the point of any relationship. I do not expect an angel out of anyone neither am I entering any relationship to give myself headaches and heartaches. Is there any truth in his statements? From my knowledge of relationships which is quite limited, I've seen more of girls who are actually "stupid" rather than "sharp" as my friend puts it. I say stupid because the guys they are with are obvious cheats, liars and care little about them but they can't leave him and complain behind his back. It seems we all don't know what we want. I do honestly hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment. To be continued...

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I do lack the courage to change the things I can change and I'm living a life that places side by side the things I can change with those I cannot change causing me to live a stagnant life.

Would I deal with these chains or would I choose to remain a slave. I remember a line I heard when I was younger from Dr D. K. Olukoya which went something like, "slaves who love their chains will remain in bondage". Based on the preceding statement, I'm looking at the concept of change as it refers to me in 2 ways: The first is I love the way I am/I feel comfortable with the way I am and that's why my attempts to change are ineffective while the second is I detest the way I am not and I'm making changes but I'm blind to the changes that have occurred because they do not occur in the scale I want them to. I'll want to believe the second and that means I look critically at areas of my life and seek places that I've improved upon no matter how small it is and commend myself on these areas to stimulate me to make further changes.

The chain is almost broken, every aspect of me is about to experience a wonderful change...so help me God.